Snack-Keeper III is the House of Snax resident demon, the third incarnation of the Crypt-Keeper-like figure The Snack-Keeper (Snack-Keeper Sr). They were born from the egg that Snack-Keeper Jr (Skeej) birthed shortly before dying in the Snack Dimension. They have all the memories of Snack-Keeper and Skeej but not necessarily the same beliefs or opinions. They have the ability to go back and forth between the Snack Dimension and the House of Snax because they have resistance to Pixy Dust Lung. They took up residence in the House of Snax basement where Skeej lived.[7]
Snack-Keeper III is okay with being referred to by any pronouns or honorifics, including "Mrs" even though it categorically means they are married which they are not; they think it's fun to challenge authority in that way.[5]
Anatomy[]
As a member of the demon species known as Snack-Keepers, Snack-Keeper III possesses the anatomy and abilities inherent to other Snack-Keepers. Snack-Keeper III is a perfect genetic clone of their forebears The Snack-Keeper and Snack-Keeper Jr. They weigh fifty pounds, and they are eight feel tall but can fold their body up into about one foot in length.[5] Like most Snack-Keepers, they are made of Slim Jim bones covered in fondant. They have black olives for eyes, which can be ripped out and grow back in about a minute.[5]
Snack-Keeper III's testicles are Hostess SnoBalls[8] (although Snack-Keeper Sr previously stated that no Snack-Keeper has testicles[9]). Their dick is Slim Jim bone with a fondant coating, but it has a hollow center with a cheese filling, which is what they cum.[10] Sometimes, they cum so hard that their dick flies off, and they can choose to regrow a vagina instead if they're feeling in the mood. Their vagina is a Hot Pocket, and they can choose the flavor every time they generate a new one.[10]
When Snack-Keeper III drinks a lot of liquid, their Slim Jim bones hold it like a sponge and sort of become sticks of raw meat. When they piss the liquid out, the bones dry out and return to Slim Jim form.[11] They once claimed that they don't poop at all,[11] but during Episode #113, they announced that they had to take a huge shit,[12] and Diet Coke later revealed that Snack-Keeper feces is cheeseburgers, and there is a pile of it in the house near the entrance.[13]
Following the 113th Snack Academy Awards, Snack-Keeper III required surgery to replace one of their lungs and half of their liver. When they were under, they said, "Pop an appendage on there. Let's have some fun with it," so they now have a robotic appendage. It doesn't do arm stuff or foot stuff, but it has a function which they are not ready to reveal yet.[14]
Their eyes work in such a way that when they try to watch something 59 frames per second or lower, they just see weird wavy lines on the screen like a dog does.[15] Because of their aura, it is impossible for it to be higher than 69 degrees in a room they are in, which is an effect they have for thirty feet around them.[16] They cannot hear whispers due to a disease that Snack-Keepers have.[17] Their ears sometimes burn slightly, seemingly when someone else in the House of Snax begins talking about their appearance.[13] Like all Snack-Keepers, they have the ability to take over peoples' bodies which they restrain themself from using[18] because they chose to honor Skeej's promise not to take over Diet Coke's body.[7]
Snack-Keeper III has vampire rules,[13] so they cannot see themself in a mirror. They also cannot cross running water (although that is more about their fondant skin and is kind of a coincidence). Like in the X-Files episode about vampires, if you throw a bunch of beans at them, they have to pick them up and count them or something (It hasn't been done to them in a while, so they don't remember the exact details). They also like blood, although they don't need it to survive, so that might just be personal preference.[13]
Because of solar spots and sun activity, Snack-Keeper III occasionally becomes lightheaded and unsure of where they are due to radiation carried by solar winds. Snack-Keeper III's thoughts are radioactive, so every time they are thinking in someone's presence, that person is exposed to pretty dangerous radiation. Sometimes the sun can disrupt Snack-Keeper III in that way.[19]
Work[]
Snack-Keeper III has said the House of Snax outro at the end of every episode since their birth. Unlike the previous two incarnations of the Snack-Keeper, Snack-Keeper III is also in charge of buying the snacks for Diet Coke and Lilith to review on the podcast. They can open wormholes for travel and are not limited by geography, but they still choose to only buy snacks that are available near Diet Coke and Lilith's homes because "it wouldn't be honest otherwise."[2]
They occasionally writes and/or performs the snack descriptions for the podcast, sometimes in collaboration with Diet Coke,[20] although they are usually written by a different entity. Snack-Keeper III's snack descriptions tend to be inspired by the Crypt-Keeper. They are not related to The Crypt-Keeper, and they do not respect him, but they sometimes feel dysphoria for not sounding more like him. They do vocal training to help with it.[21]
Daddy imposes some rules upon Snack-Keeper III, but they refused to explain anything about the nature of these rules on the podcast. "That's for me to know and you to not know."[22]
During Episode #93, Snack-Keeper III said, "I have a meeting to get to, and you two dumbasses have been going on for so long," implying that they do some kind of work outside of the podcast.[23] In a past life, they were a camera operator who did work that Snack-Keeper III is proud of to this day since they still have the memories, so they may still do that.
Before Episode #142, Snack-Keeper III took a job at a Taco Bell, trying to infiltrate the restaurant and figure out what the corporation has been doing wrong recently. They determined that Taco Bell needs to work on their standards, because a restaurant with higher standards would have never allowed them to keep their job after they kept getting fondant in all of the food.[24]
In high school, they were in theater, which they sometimes miss because it was the last time they were performing on any kind of regular basis.[20]
Snack-Keeper III is in charge of repairing the House of Snax roof which constantly leaks, but they are not a licensed contractor, so it never gets completely fixed.[13]
Opinions[]
Entertainment[]
Like their forebears, they do not respect the canon of the podcast[17][25] and will therefore refer to Diet Coke as "Emily" and point out when episodes were recorded during the same day.[26] However, they do respect spoilers and will not spoil movies.[27]
According to Snack-Keeper III, the only movies they have seen are Gemini Man and parts of Avatar: The Way of Water due to their high frame rate.[15] They were a big fan of the Sonic the Hedgehog comics and in protest never saw the films. They also think Sonic should still be voiced by Jaleel White and haven't seen the films in respect to him.[28] They don't watch the Fast & Furious movies because they look for something more mature.[29] They always knew that the fake movie in Home Alone wasn't a real movie because of how specific the lines of dialogue were,[30] but they were not mocking people who believed the movie was real when they shared this fact.[31]
They aren't a huge fan of the Snack Dimension version of Heavyweights, which they haven't seen since they were a kid (presumably as Snack-Keeper Sr).[23] They have stated that they look forward to Candy Oppenheimer.[29] They don't follow human sports,[32] but they follow Snack Dimension sports and root for the Snack Dodgers,[33] as well as the Snack Mariners who won the world series twenty times.[32]
Snack-Keeper III does not read books very often as they are more of a gamer.[22] They are usually gaming in the basement during recordings until they are needed to outro the show.[34] They've played Zelda.[35] In Episode #97, they said that they don't have a computer in the House of Snax,[30] which possibly changed, as few months later, they revealed they had been playing Baldur's Gate 3.[36] They also sometimes view Twitter in the basement, and they have notifications turned on for the House of Snax account's tweets.[37]
Snacks[]
Their favorite snack is regular unmelted American cheese,[38] and their favorite soda is Mountain Dew Pitch Black.[39] They hate blueberry and believe it is an inferior berry to strawberry.[26] Sometimes, when they're craving a treat, they put some Crest directly onto their tongue, but it is bad for their teeth.[40] They like the taste of Pfeffernüsse; they had an ex whose dick tasted like it.[41] They drink coffee and don't like being spoken to in the morning without it.[12]
Most Snack-Keepers say that Itoruxian piss (Snack Dimension Pepsi-Cola) does not taste as good as human piss (Snack Dimension Coca-Cola), but Snack-Keeper III believes Itoruxian piss is the perfected version of piss. They get so relieved that they turn a little Scottish when they drink it.[42]
Fashion[]
The only clothes they wear are T-shirts, and they get all of their clothes at cloveshop.bigcartel.com partially because they are trying to get kicked out of every Walmart in America.[43] They also occasionally drape a 5x7 cloveshop print over their loin area,[44] and they have a watch.[17]
Relationships[]
House of Snax Members[]
Unlike Snack-Keeper Sr, who considered Lilith one of their best friends, Snack-Keeper III has a thriving social circle and therefore doesn't necessarily view her as a close friend and instead views their relationship as more of a work friendship. They apologized to Lilith after revealing this.[25] "Maybe one day we'll hang out some more... I'm not opposed to it necessarily; I just don't think we're that close at all."[8]
They once got beers with the House of Snax resident editor Tony Cutz.[45] However, Snack-Keeper III only considers him a mutual friend, and they even got too nervous to talk to him when they saw him buying five watermelons at the grocery store months later. They explained, "It's like seeing a teacher out of school. I'm used to seeing him as the editor. I felt a little awkward seeing him in his normal environment."[32]
Snack-Keeper III seems to be somewhat adversarial towards Diet Coke sometimes, and they have casually said "I hope she dies"[46] and insulted her dog.[47]
Sexual Partners[]
They somewhat regularly attend Snack Dimension orgies, which is the only kind of party that Snack-Keepers go to.[10] Snack-Keeper III also currently has a kind of on-again off-again thing with a vampire, so whenever they choose to grow a Hot Pocket vagina, they avoid the garlic flavor.[10] In the video game Baldur's Gate 3, they romanced Astarion because they like to fuck around; they believe Lae'zel is the hottest character, but she is very against a polyamorous lifestyle, which in a video game is a no-go for them.[36]
For a brief period, Snack-Keeper III dated Snack Dimension Taylor Swift, who was single at the same time as Earth Taylor Swift because their relationship cycles so far have always been in sync.[17] Snack-Keeper III received a lot of questions from the paparazzi,[48] as the relationship was considered controversial. A few weeks into the relationship, a large number of Snack Zoomers discovered Diet Coke & Lilith's House of Snax and were horrified by all the things said about cum and piss and whatnot on the podcast, leading them to believe that Snack-Keeper III's association with the podcast hosts makes them not good enough to date Snack Taylor Swift. Swift apparently agreed and ended the relationship, which was big news on Snack Twitter and various Snack Dimension blogs.[4] Snack-Keeper III was heartbroken and remained angry at the podcast hosts for a couple weeks.[49] They later got together with Matt Healy in the House of Snax to commiserate over events in their recent past, which ended with hours and hours of rigorous hard sex.[8]
They had sex with House of Snax guest Sky in the basement during Episode #125[50] and even let her take home some of the Snack Dimension Sex Goo, which they refused to let Diet Coke or Lilith touch.[34] The semen left in the basement took several weeks to clean up,[50] and due to the nature of Snack-Keeper jizz, it grew into a little guy named The Snack Taker because it was not cleaned it up right away.[51]
Snack-Keeper III doesn't do foot stuff.[14]
- ↑ https://x.com/houseofsnax/status/1627361137900589057
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 Episode #77
- ↑ Episode #145
- ↑ 4.0 4.1 Episode #100
- ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 5.4 5.5 Episode #105
- ↑ Episode #121
- ↑ 7.0 7.1 Episode #76
- ↑ 8.0 8.1 8.2 Episode #112
- ↑ Episode #51
- ↑ 10.0 10.1 10.2 10.3 Episode #117
- ↑ 11.0 11.1 Episode #80
- ↑ 12.0 12.1 Episode #113
- ↑ 13.0 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 Episode #143
- ↑ 14.0 14.1 Episode #88
- ↑ 15.0 15.1 Episode #78
- ↑ Episode #126
- ↑ 17.0 17.1 17.2 17.3 Episode #95
- ↑ Episode #108
- ↑ Episode #144
- ↑ 20.0 20.1 Episode #118
- ↑ Episode #122
- ↑ 22.0 22.1 Episode #136
- ↑ 23.0 23.1 Episode #93
- ↑ Episode #142
- ↑ 25.0 25.1 Episode #109
- ↑ 26.0 26.1 Episode #82
- ↑ Episode #83
- ↑ Episode #89
- ↑ 29.0 29.1 Episode #92
- ↑ 30.0 30.1 Episode #97
- ↑ Episode #99
- ↑ 32.0 32.1 32.2 Episode #141
- ↑ Episode #90
- ↑ 34.0 34.1 Episode #125
- ↑ Episode #96
- ↑ 36.0 36.1 Episode #123
- ↑ Episode #127
- ↑ Episode #91
- ↑ Episode #81
- ↑ Episode #120
- ↑ Episode #116
- ↑ "A Lot of People Swear by Human Piss" (Episode #137?)
- ↑ Episode #138
- ↑ Episode #139
- ↑ Episode #103
- ↑ Episode #140
- ↑ Episode #133
- ↑ Episode #98
- ↑ Episode #101
- ↑ 50.0 50.1 Episode #128
- ↑ Episode #129